Today Janet and John go for a walk.
John is feeling a little bloated after eating two pieces of cheese-cake and a box of malteesers in bed before breakfast. He decides to wear his favourite puce designer bell-bottom trousers with the gold tassels around the hem. They have an elastic waistband that will give his belly room to hang over the top.
Isn’t elastic a clever thing.
Even though it is August John is keen to wrap up warm for his walk. He doesn’t want to risk getting that nasty flu again. When he had flu in June he thought he was going to die and so did Janet. Now he makes sure that he tucks his vest into his knickers as an extra precaution.
John looks at himself in the mirror. His new yellow duffle-coat with its pink fur trim looks a treat. The big shiny toggle buttons are nearly as shiny as his teeth and his pink and green gloves on their magic string match his bobble hat perfectly.
“Do you think I look sexy?” John asks Janet.
Can you make your eyes roll to the top of your head?
John takes care to look after himself because he has a very very serious condition called hypochondria. That’s a big word isn’t it?
Poor John. John has a weak bladder, dizzy spells, tummy twinges, high blood pressure, a squeaky voice, a first degree teaspoon burn on the back of his hand and something that keeps making his body go all floppy.
Do you know what erectile dysfunction is?
See if you can say erectile dysfunction without laughing.
Janet and John haven’t walked very far before Johns’ fallen arches begin to hurt his feet in his wellington boots and he wants to sit down for a rest. Janet chooses a nice bench outside a pub and orders a large fresh orange juice for John and a bottle of red wine for herself.
John has to be careful about drinking fresh orange juice as it gives him the shits. Janet has found that the more wine she drinks the more interesting and irresistible John gets.
Isn’t orange juice and alcohol more clever than elastic.
In the distance John can see a sign for ice cream and suddenly starts to feel a lot better. John likes ice cream but he doesn’t like it when Janet spits on her handkerchief to wipe it off his face and hands.
After a lot of bleating Janet gives John a crisp ten-pound note to go and buy himself an ice cream cornet. He puts the note in his purse with all the other money he doesn’t spend when he is with Janet. Stupid Janet.
“Come straight back” says Janet, “and no talking to strange women.”
John likes strange women, especially young trollops who give him love bites.
Do you know what a trollop is? John does.
See John in his pink wellington boots skip to the ice cream shop like a twat.
“Ay up what ‘ave we ‘ere?” says Mrs Grub.
Mrs Grub is from Yorkshire (see Nora Batty and Last of the Summer Wine).
“My name is John and I would like a very big ninety nine ice cream cornet please with lots of raspberry juice on it.”
“Are ya sure your eyes aren’t bigga than ya belly lad? This int Mr Whippy pretend ice cream this is the real stuff made wi’ cream, butter, sugar and egg yolks.”
John knows that his eyes could never be bigger than his belly.
“Can I see how real ice cream is made?” Asks John.
“Course ya can lad, get ya self round ‘ere, ya can ‘elp me make next batch.”
What fun. John is so excited that a little bit of wee runs into his incontinence knickers and gets soaked up by his vest.
Mrs Grub shows John all the different ingredients that will go into making hazelnut ice cream. Do you like hazelnuts? Mrs Grub does. She says there is nothing better than sucking on a couple of nuts.
Mrs Grub tells John that when she first started making ice cream her husband used to mix everything by hand which took many hours and was very hard work indeed. When he died she bought a big mixing machine to make things much easier for herself.
“You look like a big strong lad John” says Mrs Grub. “I bet you could mix ice cream by ‘and. Do ya wanna try?”
“Yes please,” says John. Mrs Grub gives John a mixing bowl and a whisk and tells him to cream the mixture until it is stiff and smooth. The mixture then has to go into a special freezer at the end of the passage at the back of the shop.
“It’ll take a few hours t’ set so I’ll make us a cornet from t’ batch I made this morning” says Mrs Grub.
Mrs Grub makes two huge ice cream cornets, one for John and one for herself. She covers them both in raspberry juice and hands one to John.
“Don’t gobble it all at once” she says. “Watch me… best way t’ enjoy proper ice cream is t’ lick it slowly.”
“Hello John”, says Janet, “you’ve been a long time”. Janet knows this because she is now on the second bottle of wine and John is looking quite sexy. “Have you been a good boy?”
“Yes” says John. “I helped the lady in the shop make some ice cream. She really misses her husband because he had very strong hands and could do it for hours, now she has to do it herself with a special machine.
She doesn’t like a Mr Wippy she likes the real thing so she let me have a go at getting it stiff and creamy like her husband used to do. I got a bit frightened when I had to go up the back passage but she said I had to put it in there to get it to go hard quickly. I was so good she covered my cornet in raspberry juice and told me to watch her lick it slowly. She said she doesn’t like to gobble quickly, she likes to enjoy every mouthful.”
Can you hit a moving target with an empty wine bottle?
See John run.
Run John, run.
(The above assumes knowledge of the characters involved gained through reading previous posts. It is a sequential post in a catalogue of events.